What not to say to someone struggling with Intrusive Thoughts, OCD, Anxiety and Fear.
What suffering sounds like from the other side of careless advice.
5 Minute Read
There's an old Saturday Night Live sketch featuring Bob Newhart as a therapist whose counseling method consists primarily of two words: “Stop it!”
His patient describes one struggle after another.
His answer never really changes.
“Stop it.”
It's hilarious because it's absurd.
Until you're the person suffering.
Because if you've struggled deeply with anxiety, intrusive thoughts, or OCD, there's a decent chance someone has given you the spiritual equivalent.
“Just stop doing the rituals.”
“You just need to trust God.”
“Stop worrying about it.”
Obviously the above statements contain truth, and we arent advocated abdicating truth for sensitivity.
But truth delivered without understanding can sometimes land more like a dismissal than a lifeline.
Imagine someone drowing, and your only advice is have faith in what God has for you, without ever extending out your hand.
Insightful, but disengaged.
Before you speak
Consider Job’s friends.
Initially they do something extraordinary: They sit with him for seven days.
Then they start talking.
That is when things go downhill.
They have theology.
They have reasons.
They have convictions.
Some of what they say even sounds orthodox in isolation.
But they fundamentally misunderstand the suffering man sitting in front of them.
Before trying to answer every question.
Be there.
Show availability.
Show sympathy.
Show a willingness to engage.
Jesus Wept
Something about Jesus crying strikes odd at first.
He cries after hearing Lazarus has died.
Yet, he knows he is going to raise him from the dead.
So is Jesus being performative here?
Surely not.
He even withing himself had the answers to all the why questions, no doubt everyone was asking.
Yet, he wept.
He grieved with those that grieved.
He was effected and dismayed by the brokeness and hideousness of suffering.
When someone is suffering, don’t be so quick to give your answers, that you fail to show the heart of Christ.
Our intentions are often good.
We are trying to give encouragment.
But, words aren’t always the first line of engagement.
She Lost her Husband
I once observed the first elder I ever worked for rush to a hospital at 1:00am for a women that had lost her young husband.
She saw him walking down the hospital hall towards her.
He got near.
The first sentence to leave her lips in all sincereness was, “Do you have any words to make this better?”
He looked at her and said nothing.
Everyone waited for the seasoned words of this older gentlemen and elder.
For the words of wisdom to come spilling out.
But he knew better in that moment.
He hugged her.
The first thing he did was not words.
It was embrace.
When he did speak, he said something, at least I have never heard someone say to the one grieving: “there are no words.”
That is all he said.
As he stood their holding her and the family.
They both wept heavily.
After, he just sat and listened.
For a very long time.
It was distinctly Christlike
I learned something that day.
Don't reduce complicated suffering to simple slogans.
Don't weaponize good theology by using it to avoid compassion.
Don't confuse knowing the destination with understanding how difficult the road is.
The incarnation itself tells us something remarkable about how God helps sufferers:
He did not merely send answers from a distance. He came near.
You can know the words and ideas of Grace without ever having it shape you, and how you treat sufferers.
Learn to listen well, So you can Speak well
There is not a list of words that anyone can give that are: “Things not to say.”
But there are things to consider before we speak.
Solomon is recorded as saying, “Only a fool gives an answer without having first listened.”
Listen before advising.
Don’t assume just because youve heard similar struggles before, this is the same.
Be humble.
Ask good questions before advising.
Speak truth, but speak truth as someoen who loves the person recieving it.
Of course give them the glorioius hope contained in God’s word.
But, dont give truth absent of love.
Dont give truth absent of information about what is going on.
Listen.
Clarify.
Listen.
Show the compassion of Christ.
Listen.
Direct their eyes towards the One who suffered and Who enters into our suffering.
If you’d like to keep reading, you can find more here → Articles
And if talking it through would help you, your always welcome to reach out and schedule a one-on-one meeting to walk through this together.