What suffering sounds like from the other side of careless advice.
5 Minute Read
There's an old Saturday Night Live sketch featuring Bob Newhart as a therapist whose counseling method consists primarily of two words: “Stop it!”
His patient describes one struggle after another.
His answer never really changes.
“Stop it.”
It's hilarious because it's absurd.
Until you're the person suffering.
Because if you've struggled deeply with anxiety, intrusive thoughts, or OCD, there's a decent chance someone has given you the spiritual equivalent.
“Just stop doing the rituals.”
“You just need to trust God.”
“Stop worrying about it.”
Obviously, some of those statements contain truth. The answer isn't to abandon truth for the sake of sensitivity.
But truth delivered without understanding can sometimes land more like a dismissal than a lifeline.
Imagine someone drowning while your only response is, “Have faith in what God has for you,” without ever extending your hand.
The words may contain truth, but you've remained safely on the shore.
Insightful, but disengaged.
Before you speak
Consider Job’s friends.
Initially they do something extraordinary: they sit with him for seven days.
Then they start talking.
That is when things go downhill.
They have theology.
They have reasons.
They have convictions.
Some of what they say even sounds orthodox in isolation.
But they fundamentally misunderstand the suffering man sitting in front of them.
Before trying to answer every question.
Be there.
Show availability.
Show sympathy.
Show a willingness to engage.
Jesus Wept
Something about Jesus crying strikes us as odd at first.
He cries after hearing Lazarus has died.
Yet, he knows he is going to raise him from the dead.
So is Jesus being performative here?
Surely not.
He even within Himself had the answers to all the why questions, no doubt everyone was asking.
Yet, he wept.
He grieved with those who grieved.
He was not detached from their grief or from the brokenness and ugliness of death.
When someone is suffering, don’t be so quick to give your answers that you fail to show the heart of Christ.
Our intentions are often good.
We are trying to give encouragement.
But words aren’t always the first line of engagement.
She Lost Her Husband
I once watched the first elder I ever worked for rush to the hospital at 1:00 a.m. after a woman had lost her young husband.
She saw him walking down the hospital hall toward her.
As he got near, the first words to leave her lips, in all sincerity, were, “Do you have any words to make this better?”
He looked at her and said nothing.
Everyone waited for the seasoned words of this older gentleman and elder.
For the words of wisdom to come spilling out.
But he knew better in that moment.
He hugged her.
The first thing he did was not words.
It was embrace.
When he did speak, he said something that, at least, I had never heard someone say to the one grieving:
“there are no words.”
That was all he said.
He stood there holding her as they wept.
Afterward, he simply sat and listened.
For a very long time.
It was distinctly Christlike
I learned something that day.
Don't reduce complicated suffering to simple slogans.
Don't weaponize good theology by using it to avoid compassion.
Don't confuse knowing the destination with understanding how difficult the road is.
The incarnation itself tells us something remarkable about how God helps sufferers:
He did not merely send answers from a distance. He came near.
You can know the words and ideas of grace without allowing that grace to shape the way you treat sufferers.
Learn to Listen Well, So You Can Speak Well
There is not a list of words that anyone can give that are: “Things not to say.”
But there are things to consider before we speak.
Solomon is recorded as saying, “Only a fool gives an answer without having first listened.”
Listen before advising.
Don’t assume just because you’ve heard similar struggles before, this one is the same.
Be humble.
Ask good questions before advising.
Speak truth, but speak truth as someone who loves the person receiving it.
Of course give them the glorious hope contained in God’s Word.
But, don’t give truth absent of love.
Don’t give truth absent of information about what is going on.
Listen.
Clarify.
Listen.
Show the compassion of Christ.
Listen.
And direct their eyes towards the One Who suffered and Who enters into our suffering.
If you’d like to keep reading, you can find more here → Articles
And if talking it through would help you, you’re always welcome to reach out and schedule a one-on-one meeting to walk through this together.
