What helps, what can backfire, and how to walk beside someone through the struggle.
5 Minute Read
“I Don’t Know What to Say”
They keep asking:
“Do you think I'm a bad person?”
“Are you sure I didn't do something?”
“Do you think God is angry with me?”
“Can you promise me everything is okay?”
You answer.
They seem relieved.
Ten minutes later, they ask again.
So you answer again.
Eventually, you find yourself thinking something you feel terrible for even thinking: “How do I get out of this?”
You love this person.
You can see that they're hurting.
You desperately want to make it better.
But lately you've begun wondering whether some of the things you're doing to help are actually helping at all.
If that's where you are, this article is for you.
1. First: Your Desire To Help Is a Good Thing
You answer because you care.
You check the stove because they are terrified.
You listen to the confession because they are overwhelmed.
You reassure them about their health because you want to calm their fear.
Sometimes loving someone well means learning that immediate relief and long-term help are not always the same thing.
2. Understand What Is Going On
Thought → fear → demand for certainty → response/ritual/reassurance → temporary relief → doubt returns
It can be surprisingly easy to become part of that cycle.
“I know the doctor said I have nothing to worry about, but do you think I should see another doctor?”
“No, I think you are likely fine. All your tests came back good, and he was thorough.”
Relief.
20 minutes later––“But are you sure?”
You are a good friend or loved one.
You want to be there for someone who is struggling with some kind of fear.
But now their fearful mind has discovered something useful: you can be relied on to offer certainty.
3. The Hard Truth: You Cannot Offer Them Enough Certainty.
Loved ones often assume that they need to find the right words, or craft a clever and thorough answer.
Neither is usually the issue.
The issue usually has nothing to do with the quality of your answer.
The issue is usually their craving for certainty.
Total.
Absolute.
Unflinching.
Certainty beyond any doubt or question.
That kind of certainty is something you simply are unable to give.
In fact, that is a burden no human relationship was designed to carry.
The harder you try, the more exhausted you will become.
The heart is a “what if” creation machine. There is always another doubt lurking.
4. Learn to Distinguish a Question From a Search for Reassurance.
On the other hand, understand that not every question is compulsive.
Sometimes they genuinely need information, counsel, insight, correction, or another vantage to see things from.
Helpful Questions:
Has this already been answered?
Does the answer you give actually resolve anything?
Are they asking the same question but using different wording?
Are you frequently being brought into the “checking”?
The goal is not simply, “never reassure.”
The goal is to grow in wisdom about when you are genuinely helping someone think through something and when you are being pulled into an endless search for certainty.
5. So What Do I Actually Say?
Rather than repeatedly answering:
“No, I'm absolutely certain you didn't hit anyone.”
You might respond to the question underneath the question:
“I can tell this is really frightening you.”
“We've talked through this already, and I don't think answering it again is going to give you what you're looking for.”
“I love you, and I'm willing to sit here with you while this feels uncomfortable.”
“You are free to talk through what this feels like and why it’s so hard.”
“What do you already know is the wise thing to do next?”
You aren't withdrawing love. You're changing what love looks like.
6. Sometimes Love Means Being Willing to Let Someone Be Uncomfortable
Most of us instinctively think: “If I love you, I should make you feel better.”
But Scripture gives a much richer picture of love.
Biblical love seeks another person's good, which isn't always identical to their immediate comfort.
Galatians is a great book of Scripture that demonstrates this, near the latter half.
It reminds us that sometimes restoring someone can be hard and uncomfortable, but should be done in a spirit of gentleness.
The idea echoes that of a doctor resetting a broken bone: it’s essential, but it should be done with tenderness.
7. Bear the Burden Together
Once loved ones learn about reassurance and compulsions, they can become hypervigilant:
“That's OCD!”
“I'm not answering that!”
“You're seeking reassurance again.”
“You're doing a compulsion.”
There has to be a balance.
If you aren't careful, the relationship can begin to revolve around identifying their fears, compulsions, flaws, and failures rather than simply loving them as someone you know and care about.
Your role is not to become their therapist or constantly monitor their progress. You can be a steady presence—encouraging them to face what is difficult, engage the life God has given them, and trust a sovereign God.
Galatians tells us to “bear one another’s burdens.”
But bearing doesn’t always mean removing.
Some burdens cannot simply be taken away. But that doesn't mean someone has to carry them alone.
This might look like:
Listening really well.
Encouraging them toward doing and fulfilling what God has set before them to do for that day.
Talking about things other than “that.”
Take them out for dinner.
Hanging out.
Taking a walk.
Going somewhere together.
“I love you. I'm here. We don't have to solve everything right now. And we're going to keep living.”
Your presence and love during their struggle will be more significant than having all the right words and doing all the right things.
If you’d like to keep reading, you can find more here → Articles
And if talking it through would help you, your always welcome to reach out and schedule a one-on-one meeting to walk through this together.
